A few weeks ago my husband and I were discussing plans for our 3rd child's upcoming birth. At one point he jokingly said 'What were we thinking?!' My answer? 'Well, we definitely weren't thinking we'd be doing this in the middle of a global pandemic!'
Things were different now. Really really different. We were trying to make plans at a time when plans were literally impossible to make. Every day, every HOUR, things were changing. How do you make plans at a time like that? In the same breath, how do you NOT make plans when the birth of your baby is approaching? If there's one thing I value in pregnancy, labor and birth, it's having a sense of control. I want to feel in charge of my baby's birth. I want to decide what does and doesn't happen to my body. I want to have choices and the freedom to do what I'm most comfortable with. That's how I protect myself and my baby. That's how I walk away from my birth experiences changed in the best way. Full of pride and joy and empowerment. That's what I needed to plan for. And suddenly, in what felt like an instant, I was being washed down a raging river and the only thing I could do was hold on and hope. But with each new piece of information and each new restriction and each choice that was being made for me my fingers started to slip until eventually I felt like I was holding on by a pinky. It was hard. Really really hard.
April 25th (38+2) I woke up around 9am. As soon as I got out of bed the fairly strong 'Braxton Hicks' I had been having the evening before started back up. We had a list of things we wanted to accomplish that day in prep for our guys upcoming birthday so I started doing little things around the house right away. The cramps kept coming so, full of hope that just *maybe* this might actually be the real deal I decided to start with things we really needed to finish up to be ready-like birth bag packing. My husband was away at an appointment and he texted me letting me know that he had his phone available if I needed him. A few minutes later I had to pause during a contraction and I texted him back to let him know that I was having A LOT of cramping. 30 minutes later I was calling to see how close to home he was. I was really feeling like I wanted him home. I also let my friend and birth photographer, Jess, know that I was really feeling like things were real...maybe. I definitely had a bit of denial going on. My husband and I continued to get our bags ready and put the car seat together. Another 30 minutes later and I had bloody show and things were getting more intense. I got in the shower while my husband called his mom to have her come over and play with our girls so we could focus on labor and finish up getting ready. I talked to Jess again after showering and we made a plan for her to head to our home to be with us. I labored in our bedroom with my husband coming in and out in between tasks for the next hour or so. Jess arrived and we decided to get outside and walk around the yard a bit. Movement was definitely encouraging the contractions, if I stopped moving they slowed way down. It was a gorgeous day and the sun felt so so nice. My girls were running around with our chickens, coloring with side walk chalk and playing with my mother-in-law. We walked around the yard and I leaned into my husband when the contractions came. I ate some oatmeal and drank water as I pushed my girls on the swings and labored while holding onto the beam of the play set. Things were calm and steady. We moved back inside while my girls ate lunch and things continued to progress. I started wanting my husband right beside me for every contraction. There was a bit of back and fourth about whether I was feeling ready to head to the birth center or if I wanted to stay home longer. At the peak of contractions I felt like it was time to go, in between I felt like we had time and wanted to stay home. I decided to hop in the shower again and see how that felt. The water on my belly and lower back was definitely comforting and I hung out in there for a bit with my husband by my side, I absolutely did not want him anywhere but beside me at this point. I got out of the shower and had a few stronger contractions and said I was ready to go. I got dressed and sat on the couch while Don (my husband) and Jess got things into the car. As I sat on the couch things slowed way down and again I wondered if it was the right time to be leaving. I had another strong contraction and with it came dread of having to get in the car. I knew then that it was best to go, the car ride was only going to get more uncomfortable the longer I waited. Shortly after 4pm I kissed my girls goodbye and we headed to the birth center. The drive was doable (I transitioned in the car with my first baby...anything is doable after that HA!) but I was not comfortable sitting down and did not want my husband driving over storm drains. The roads were free of traffic, we listened to music, I enjoyed the A/C on my face and held my husbands hand through contractions. I finally started to realize that this was really real. Our baby was coming today. I cried a bit, let go of a lot and just felt at peace. When we arrived at TMC I just started sobbing as we walked into the center and into the room where our baby would be born. Okay, NOW I really realized this was happening and there were feelings. DeJane and Shannon were such a calming presence and I immediately started to feel even more at ease. There was so much patience and no rushing as they got us settled in. We moved slowly and I was able to have space when I wanted it. We did fetal heart tone checks with a couple contractions, vital signs were checked and DeJane checked my cervix. Much to my relief she let me know I was at a 6. I was so worried I'd be at 2 or 3 even though I know none of that really matters! I continued to move around the room and began vocalizing through contractions. Soon I decided I wanted to go back out into the beautiful day to continue walking around. Jess, Don and I slowly walked back and fourth on the sidewalks surrounding the birth center and chatted between contractions. During contractions I buried my head in my husbands chest and moaned through each one. Jess reminded me to use those deep sounds and to relax my body as much as possible. I got into a good rhythm and just allowed my body to do what it needed to do. DeJane and Shannon took turns meeting us where ever we were to check our baby's heart tones. He continued to sound strong. He was doing so well. Eventually I started getting tired and was wanting to switch things up so we went back inside to get into the tub. I really went inward around this time and I don't remember opening my eyes much. The water felt so nice and again, almost immediately the brake in movement gave me a break in contractions. It felt nice to have longer stretches in between contractions and I just let my body feel weightless for a bit. When I did have contractions I still just wanted to be against my husbands chest and warm water poured over my lower back felt so nice. Soon, DeJane and Shannon had to go and Aya and Jillian joined the room. It wasn't long until I was talking with Aya about wanting to bear down and wondering if I should have my cervix checked first. I wasn't quite feeling pushy but I was feeling curious if bearing down during contractions would help with the discomfort. She let me know at that time that if I was comfortable with it she'd like to assist with the rupturing of membranes to protect my baby's cord since I had slight polyhydramnios. She felt like things would move pretty quickly once AROM happened. I really liked the idea of things being over quickly so I was on board. I made my way out of the tub and onto the bed. Don and Jess got the GoPro set up and got my daughters, sister and MIL on a zoom call. It was SO good to hear my girls voices saying 'Hi mommy!'. Aya protected my baby's cord as she ruptured waters and I had a quiet few moments to processes. I spoke into the universe (many times) that he was going to come out easily and swiftly just like his sisters before him had. Suddenly the next contraction was here and I felt him drop into the birth canal and knew it was time. My baby was coming! The sensation took me away for a moment but Jess and Aya pulled me back and reminded me to breath. I reached down and so soon his head was right there in my hand. Birthing each of my babies has been a unique experience each time. This time I was very aware of his head crowning and really acknowledged the ring of fire for the first time. The power of that moment is so intense and completely and totally consuming. It's a power that I look back on with complete amazement. I.did.that. Aya encouraged me to let the stretching happen slowly and I did my best to be in control in that moment. One more push and our baby boy came flying into this world at 7:55pm. There was relief. SO much relief. We did it! Otto Cru was here and we freaking did it. My baby was here, in my arms and it.was.over. My girls cheered and shouted 'Hi baby Otto!' while I took time to breath and just settle into knowing that we had made it, safe and sound, to the finish line. The birth bubble is so good and my husband and I spent the next several hours just soaking in our brand new baby and loving on him so hard. He's just the most handsome and I couldn't stop looking at his perfect self. He was so calm and happy and just the absolute picture of perfect. We fell head over heels for our boy that night.
There was so much joy and happiness. Relief and pride. Support and love. Life and light. And more love, so much love. Covid-19 was not in my baby's birth space. That bitch was not invited. There was no fear of things out of my control. No anxiety about all the uncertainties in our current world. No sadness over changed plans. Sure, some things looked different than I had originally envisioned. If you look at our birth photos the masks are definitely a sign of the world we're living in right now at this very moment. My baby girls were there on a screen instead of right by my side. My sister was missing. I mourned the loss of all of these plans and more in the weeks leading up to Otto’s arrival. They broke me down and I cried and ached for the birth I had planned and envisioned, had anxiety about what was to come and dare I say even at times dreaded the day I'd have to birth my son. But when I think back on the day my son was born, when I remember those first few hours with him, I don't remember the things I lost. I remember the 'so so good, light your soul up, highlight reel of my life, I will forever be a better person because of this' moments. The moments that make you cry with joy and the 'when I'm old a gray and my last breath is on my lips take me back to this moment' moments. That's what I remember. Birth will continue to happen. It's a force that cannot be stopped. Birth will continue to be BEAUTIFUL. Nothing can take that light away. So if you're being swept away on that raging river let that truth give you the strength to keep holding on. Your baby is coming and that my friend is Magic.
